The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle
by holly96
Summary: Veronica's thoughts on her relationship with Logan up through the end of Season 1.


Summary: Veronica's reflections on her relationship with Logan through Leave it to Beaver (not including the very last scene).

Spoilers: Season 1

Disclaimer: The characters of _Veronica Mars_ do not belong to me.

**A/N:** This started as the first thing I ever wrote for _Veronica Mars_. It was pretty much just a drabble that came to me at some point during the last part of Season 1, following The Kiss. I came across it now and then on my hard drive since then and added to it piece by piece. Finally I decided there really wasn't much left to do for it to be a complete piece, so I finished it up and here it is.

I am no quantum physicist (and neither is Veronica) so my understanding of the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle is rudimentary, at best. I tried to look it up to make sure the way I was using it here made sense, and I barely understood anything I was reading. So just go with it, and please don't comment with detailed explanations of how I've used it wrong, or anything. Unbeta'd, so any mistakes are mine.

* * *

Veronica Mars never once wondered what it would be like to kiss Logan Echolls. Not even in a detached not-Duncan's-girlfriend, not-Lilly's-best-friend kind of way. Whenever Lilly talked about kissing Logan, her words never sunk below the surface for Veronica. Those descriptions had everything to do with how Lilly felt kissing Logan, nothing to do with how it would be for any other girl, let alone for Veronica herself. There was not a single moment when she contemplated how the experience would be different if it was Veronica kissing him instead. After all, it was never going to be an issue. He was Lilly's, and she had Duncan. She was never going to kiss Logan Echolls.

Then came a day when she wasn't kissing Duncan anymore, and Lilly wasn't kissing Logan, or anyone else, for that matter. But even then Veronica still didn't wonder about kissing Logan. No, she was too busy hating him. Until she wasn't anymore. She couldn't be certain when things changed, but one day she realized they had. The hate was gone, and instead she felt...something else. But she didn't go back to being just his friend, like she had been when it was the four of them. She wasn't sure she could ever again be just friends with him. But if she didn't hate him, and she couldn't just be his friend, she wasn't sure what else there was. But she didn't stop too long to think about it.

The first time Veronica Mars kissed Logan Echolls it was on the balcony of a cheap motel and she was surprised at the thought that it wasn't like what she expected. Because how could you think that something was not what you expected if you didn't have any expectations in the first place? She didn't know. But she couldn't deny that the thought was there.

It wasn't until the second time she kissed Logan Echolls that Veronica Mars realized that Lilly's descriptions had been completely inadequate, and perhaps completely wrong. Or maybe Lilly's experience was just an entirely separate thing altogether. As if Lilly and Logan had existed in one reality, and she and Logan existed in an entirely different one. For Veronica, kissing Logan Echolls couldn't be described by something as concrete as the way his lips felt on hers, or the touch of his fingers brushing the side of her face, or the pressure of his arm around her waist. No, there was definitely more to it than that. But what that something more was, she couldn't quite define. In fact, she was a little afraid to try. She had a sneaking suspicion that if she succeeded in accurately putting this feeling into words, everything would change. She would be a new person. Except, maybe she already was, and she had just failed to notice.

Soon Veronica started to wonder if maybe the fact that this thing between them was a secret–that they were skulking around in girls' bathrooms and empty houses, planning excursions on yachts to islands where they could be anonymous–maybe all that was why she still couldn't define it. That somehow all the secrecy and the ignoring of each other in public made what they had not quite real. Like the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, except...opposite. Instead of particles that change course when a light is shined on them, maybe they were something–lovers?–whose relationship couldn't be measured or defined until someone else saw it. Like if they could turn on the light and show off for the world, all the soft, blurry, shadowy edges of their relationship would be sharp and focused, just like that. But she was too scared to flip the light switch, for fear that her theory was totally backward, that Heisenberg was right, and that what they had would disappear altogether. So she did nothing.

And then one Friday morning the past made a sudden appearance and it didn't matter anymore. There would be no practice run to Catalina, no kissing Logan Echolls on his dad's boat. She would just have to take Lilly's word for what that was like, even though so far Lilly's word hadn't exactly proven to be all that reliable. When he came to her door demanding an explanation, she gave him the only one she knew how, and tried to ignore the hurt in his eyes.

She threw herself into full investigation mode, interrogating all the people who she thought could tell her something about _that_ night. Eventually she found out the truth, and it wasn't exactly what she thought it would be, not really. And Logan hadn't done anything to her, so she called him over and apologized, with tears in her eyes. He was so sweet and understanding and she was glad that he was there. That same night she found herself kissing Logan Echolls again, as he spun her into his darkened house, and then it happened.

At first she was mad that the decision to flip the switch on their relationship was taken out of her hands. She hated that someone else turned on the light first. Literally, as it turned out, and they were suddenly thrust into the light for everyone to see. At least, everyone that was at a party she didn't quite understand. But the speed of light is swift, so everyone not quite important enough to merit an invite would know soon enough.

She found herself in the pool house, officially kissing Logan Echolls as his girlfriend, and she was beginning to think that perhaps that temporary loss of control over the light switch was a good thing. That someone coming along and taking the power away from her was just what she had needed. And she could throw herself into that wonderful feeling of intimacy, pressed closer to him than she had been, kissing him with passion and intentions that were new and exciting. Even after he stopped it, somehow salt licks and best-friend drugging seemed forgivable, and all she wanted was to stretch out on top of him and be with him and forget all the rest.

But then Logan was leaving and she was finding hidden cameras and not sticking around for an explanation. Alibis were broken and she was turning Logan in and they were exchanging angry words on the beach. Except Logan was innocent and his father wasn't and she was being locked in burning freezers. And no longer was it simply a matter of not being able to define whatever it was that she and Logan had. No, now it was a matter of not having anything to define at all.

The light had been turned on and that undefinable thing had disappeared entirely. Maybe it would have anyway, and the light didn't have anything to do with it. But maybe it did, and because of it Veronica Mars was no longer kissing Logan Echolls. So maybe Heisenberg was right, after all.

-Fin-


End file.
